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I have just returned from a jog. It’s shocking to admit those words. I believe it could have been a decade since I last did so. But I recently discovered that I have slightly high cholesterol, and the recommendation was to do sweaty exercise on a consistent basis.

It’s the initial instance in my life that the reason to be active has been my bodily well-being. When I was younger, I ran because I aimed to be thinner. I also jogged to alleviate my anxiety – It was an avoidance tactic from the anxiety, instead of dealing with it. At other times, I jogged because I sought to get better in running. That represented the meaning to me at that time to develop a superior lifestyle.

Jogging with altered intent currently sparked reflection about the ways I’ve connected with my body throughout my life and how this is changing as I progress from being a young person to being a middle-aged person. I believe not I’ve valued my own body, not fundamentally. I’ve appreciated it only for its roles and the aims it served me: seeking approval; avoiding feelings; achieving a quicker 5km. Up to now, I’ve not understood that I am my body, it is my existence, as opposed to an instrument for achievements.

A great deal has been explored for ages about the separation of mind and body – a topic you will be relieved to know, I’m not going to precis in this piece. What has struck me most intriguing is the Freudian perspective that consciousness and physique are naturally unified right from the start, because physical maturation demands psychological development and vice versa. The newborn’s physical sensations – for example the corporeal experience of hunger – propel the mind to build the ability to identify hunger as a feeling that may be satisfied by nourishment; and the mental reassurance and fulfillment regularly delivered by repeated nourishment nourishes the young mind in the same way the food nourishes them physically. So too mental events – for instance the desire to rise and reach for something, and the determination to persist through effort – are the reason and method physical strength increases. From our earliest moments, our physical and mental selves are interlinked in reciprocal evolution as integrated as a spiral.

But I have noticed, in treatment with my analyst, that mental and physical aspects may exist in a different kind of relationship – a less unified and increasingly manipulative. My psyche might utilize my body to store and express elements that my mind deems unacceptable or intolerable. In analysis we realized that there are specific feelings that I am afraid are too much for me; rather than feeling these mentally, I unconsciously shift them into bodily form, becoming trapped as corporeal issues.

I often had this as indigestion – unrelated to what I’d eaten, but acted as a type of physical reflux of the sharper sentiments I was unable to process in my mind. This wasn’t an intentional act, but once it was raised to awareness in sessions, and my dread and sensitivity and frustration and terror were experienced and articulated in place of transformed into bodily feelings, it resolved. It’s uncommon for me from indigestion now.

The worst time I endured this terrible acid reflux, I failed to rest for many nights straight. I believed I was forfeiting my sanity. I visited my doctor, who arranged multiple examinations and assessments, but no issues were found physically wrong. It turned out to be an alternate medic who suggested that the cause could be emotional. My analyst did not disagree. I was surprised, but I also felt it was correct.

If an individual experiences a physical symptom, they can be offended at the suggestion that it could have a mental root. It can seem like disrespect, the idea that their condition is fabricated. Naturally it’s a real phenomenon – people can have their symptoms discounted or wrongly assessed. But in some cases it might be that the bodily signs are real – without doubt – and the source is emotional, the subconscious using the body to convey some pain or fury or any feeling awareness cannot tolerate. Sometimes, we may believe our experience only has value only through expression through the body. We persistently neglect our minds on a personal level, in social contexts and as a culture; for what reason would we tolerate the appalling reduction of mental health treatments through health services?

Life lessons have revealed that an improved existence is unattainable if we remain trapped unconsciously in ways of relating, inside us and socially, that are rooted in disregard, exploitation and dealings. These dynamics are often easier to spot “out there” in wider society. It’s perhaps harder to reflect on their origins, and to recognise these forms personally and among loved ones, in the economy of our mental lives.

However it’s worth persevering. When I put my running shoes back on following many years, venturing out not for a better body, or to eliminate a sensation, or to improve a running record, {it